What do i want?

This was written on Saturday, the 28th of November.

As I sit back, the third semester finally coming to an end, I wonder on the future course of action. Whether do we go from here? I found this semester to be utterly draining, a torturous time which had me feeling dejected, depressed, confused, angry at various times and sometimes together at once. Things should have gone better, I could say back in hindsight, that maybe I just didn't try hard enough, or maybe there was some external circumstances that prevented me from giving my best. That would all be futile, as such introspection generally doesn't amount to much.

The exams have gone off decently this time, which may be attributed to the generally low expecations I had. Frankly, it was not the period of the exams that I found stressful, rather I found it to be the most enjoyable part of the entire semester. It was the feelings that one gets during the semester, sitting in a classroom for 6 hours, wondering “what the hell am i doing here” when the words coming from the mouth of the teacher don't seem to make any sense, they can't even be deciphered, let alone understood to deduce something from them. When with every passing moment the only thought in your mind is, what am I doing with my life, every single minute of my existence is passing me by, spinning out of my control and leaving me helpless beyond my expectations. It has an enormously draining effect, something that makes you want to just leave everything....the loneliness gets to you... everything around you seems to be a diabolical mix of negative emotions, it makes you question the very motives that made you choose this career path. And when at that moment you're unable to locate any concrete sense of purpose, your entire existence seems to fall apart.

Quizzing was supposed to be my redemption from all this. I took to it as my drug of choice, my addiction, my stress buster, my life. Maybe I let it control me, to allowa it to let things spin out of control. I don't know whether that is true, I don't think it matters. But again, as another semester comes to an end, and perhaps when its time to seriously decide what I want to see myself doing in the future, I wonder whether the quizzing addiction was and still is worth it or not. I may not be the best quizzer there is, I may never end up becoming one of the best, but even if i do, then what? Was that the motivation for me to quiz in the first place? Was it the money? Was it the recognition? I still seem to grapple with these questions to find a clear answer.

I was at peace with myself a few hours ago. Not having to think about the future and living the present is a delightful feeling.

The attacks on the city of Mumbai are another thing on my mind. In the hostel, I really don't have much access to information, so not really clued in to what is happening, but the situation doesn't look too good. 125 people dead, 900+ injured and still counting... Who gave these people the right to play with the fates of so many people? What really gets to me about this is that death can come anytime and anywhere. A mall or the airport for instance. Who would have thought such a thing could happen? The people who died may have been people living their lives to the fullest, working towards a higher purpose in life, or simply squandering their lives getting wasted. But did they think that death would come this way? It disappoints me. What sort of karma would generate such a life? If people are meant to die like this, then would it make any difference if the entire world came to an end tomorrow due to a meteor hit or due to global warming? Again, I really don't have an answer to this.

I really don't think we live in the worst of times. The situation has been like this in the past as well. Taking examples from the past, we've have the Kargil War, Iraq War, Gulf War, Israel-Palestine War,The Indo-Pak Wars, the Indo-China War, the Vietnam War, World War 2, World War 1, and countless smaller wars in between. Hundreds of conflicts exist even today. They existed a century ago as well, although maybe the magnitude of damage that can be afflicted may have increased these days. We have had wars since the inception of modern history, and we seem to be continuing the tradition. It is while looking at such a scenario that I feel that if human life was to be completely wiped out from the face of this earth, would it be that great a loss?

Well, coming back to my relatively infinitesimal world called my life, I think i'll get back to Maths, which could perhaps be the only saving face in the 3^rd semester in terms of academics. I'll be writing more about the subjects of 3^rd sem, they deserve to be written about, as to the teachers who taught me in 3^rd sem! :-P

P.S. Maths also ended up betraying me, leaving me with little hope of a good result from the semester. Time to look ahead... Machines Prac and MD remain hurdles to be crossed. Lets hope I don't stumble this time...

Salvation lies within

Life has a unique way of bringing you up at a point when absolutely nothing seems to be going for you and that life seems to be at a complete rock bottom.
Like in the words of Rachel, "Ya know I really thought I had hit rock bottom, but today it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap then me."

Its at such occasions when you feel that nothing works, when you have reached so low that there can't possibly be anything worse that could happen.. thats the moment from where things can only get better. And they do. My first post was about that, and today also feels a bit like that.

After feeling the crash of having reached rock bottom yesterday, we received news that our MD exam was finally postponed till after the exams. Had it occurred as per the original date would have screwed up our preparations for other papers like hell.
I just won the LSR Quiz, something that has finally acted as a source of redemption for all the shit that was happening in my life till now. Suddenly everything looks good, everything around you feels better than it was, and you appreciate everything a lot more...

I'm feeling rejuvenated, yes, there IS a god up there! :-)

With a final bow to quizzing for this sem, I get back to my academic pursuits, determined to not let previous setbacks bring me down and to start afresh.

Here's summing up my feeling,

"That which does not kill me can only make me stronger....

...But my day will come!"

Adios!

An interesting album cover i came across. The band is Poster Children, and the album is Just Like You.

24th October - The Lost Keys.

A peculiar thing happened today. I had some work near the metro station near my college. Wasn't feeling too well this past week, so had the car and driver at my disposal. The driver, while I was away, dropped the keys somewhere while going to the bathroom! One of the autorickshaw drivers picked it up and went on his route to palam... An insult to injury i felt at the time, having to wait for half an hour for him to come back. But thankfully the keys were found. Later I realized that being parked in an area where it was perhaps the only car in the vicinity, had anyone else picked it up and driven away, it would have ended up being a much bigger problem. I offered some monetary gratitude to the driver, but he refused.
It struck a chord with me. Maybe its been the change in me since I've been in college. But it seems that I've become a bit more money-minded since in college. College is a funny place. Its one of the most important places in one's life, the time when one crosses over to adulthood and finally sets foot in the big bad world, so to say. College can also screw you badly,from academics, relationships, substance abuse, alcoholism etc... Thankfully (?!), I've only suffered from the first one, but its something i should really take care of once and for all.
Adios!

The Blog, Resurrected

Its been a long time coming. Its been over a year since I last wrote a post. Particularly the reason why I didn't write anything was that I really didn't feel I had anything important to write. Well, I really don't think I have anything great to say right now either, but the purpose of this blog has changed for me. Each day goes and comes, and owing to the "great" memory I have, I can't recall anything significant happening in my life. This blog will from now on be a diary entry of sorts, where I post stuff I come across in my journey on the great Wild Web, and my general gyaan on life, universe and everything. ;-)

A lot has happened since the last post. When I wrote that, the CEE (not DCE!) exam results were awaited and well, life after the competitive exams had begun. There was uncertainty over where I'd go, but a certain satisfaction that I had given it my best efforts. I was rewarded for my efforts, and consider myself blessed to be in NSIT - ECE. The feeling of achievement faded with time, a new life to look forward to, in the words of Tupac, "Life Goes On". Am now in 2nd year, still pretty much in the same state that I was in first year - Quizzing, single, flirting openly, confused in ways no one understands, and screwing up acads in ways that would make the Millenia Problems a simple task. Once again, I quote Tupac, Life Goes On.

I don't intend on staying this way for too long. Life is too short to live in a screwed up and confused state. While reading a Time magazine article about the lives of 13 year olds in the U.S, I came across a wonderful quote that totally sums up my philosophy at the present moment.
"I love being 13, but it can be bad. When it is, I just relax and take a deep breath and say, "I'll only be 13 once!" "
I'll be 19 only once. Time to Kick some ass!