This was written on Saturday, the 28th of November.
As I sit back, the third semester finally coming to an end, I wonder on the future course of action. Whether do we go from here? I found this semester to be utterly draining, a torturous time which had me feeling dejected, depressed, confused, angry at various times and sometimes together at once. Things should have gone better, I could say back in hindsight, that maybe I just didn't try hard enough, or maybe there was some external circumstances that prevented me from giving my best. That would all be futile, as such introspection generally doesn't amount to much.
The exams have gone off decently this time, which may be attributed to the generally low expecations I had. Frankly, it was not the period of the exams that I found stressful, rather I found it to be the most enjoyable part of the entire semester. It was the feelings that one gets during the semester, sitting in a classroom for 6 hours, wondering “what the hell am i doing here” when the words coming from the mouth of the teacher don't seem to make any sense, they can't even be deciphered, let alone understood to deduce something from them. When with every passing moment the only thought in your mind is, what am I doing with my life, every single minute of my existence is passing me by, spinning out of my control and leaving me helpless beyond my expectations. It has an enormously draining effect, something that makes you want to just leave everything....the loneliness gets to you... everything around you seems to be a diabolical mix of negative emotions, it makes you question the very motives that made you choose this career path. And when at that moment you're unable to locate any concrete sense of purpose, your entire existence seems to fall apart.
Quizzing was supposed to be my redemption from all this. I took to it as my drug of choice, my addiction, my stress buster, my life. Maybe I let it control me, to allowa it to let things spin out of control. I don't know whether that is true, I don't think it matters. But again, as another semester comes to an end, and perhaps when its time to seriously decide what I want to see myself doing in the future, I wonder whether the quizzing addiction was and still is worth it or not. I may not be the best quizzer there is, I may never end up becoming one of the best, but even if i do, then what? Was that the motivation for me to quiz in the first place? Was it the money? Was it the recognition? I still seem to grapple with these questions to find a clear answer.
I was at peace with myself a few hours ago. Not having to think about the future and living the present is a delightful feeling.
The attacks on the city of Mumbai are another thing on my mind. In the hostel, I really don't have much access to information, so not really clued in to what is happening, but the situation doesn't look too good. 125 people dead, 900+ injured and still counting... Who gave these people the right to play with the fates of so many people? What really gets to me about this is that death can come anytime and anywhere. A mall or the airport for instance. Who would have thought such a thing could happen? The people who died may have been people living their lives to the fullest, working towards a higher purpose in life, or simply squandering their lives getting wasted. But did they think that death would come this way? It disappoints me. What sort of karma would generate such a life? If people are meant to die like this, then would it make any difference if the entire world came to an end tomorrow due to a meteor hit or due to global warming? Again, I really don't have an answer to this.
I really don't think we live in the worst of times. The situation has been like this in the past as well. Taking examples from the past, we've have the Kargil War, Iraq War, Gulf War, Israel-Palestine War,The Indo-Pak Wars, the Indo-China War, the Vietnam War, World War 2, World War 1, and countless smaller wars in between. Hundreds of conflicts exist even today. They existed a century ago as well, although maybe the magnitude of damage that can be afflicted may have increased these days. We have had wars since the inception of modern history, and we seem to be continuing the tradition. It is while looking at such a scenario that I feel that if human life was to be completely wiped out from the face of this earth, would it be that great a loss?
Well, coming back to my relatively infinitesimal world called my life, I think i'll get back to Maths, which could perhaps be the only saving face in the 3rd semester in terms of academics. I'll be writing more about the subjects of 3rd sem, they deserve to be written about, as to the teachers who taught me in 3rd sem! :-P
P.S. Maths also ended up betraying me, leaving me with little hope of a good result from the semester. Time to look ahead... Machines Prac and MD remain hurdles to be crossed. Lets hope I don't stumble this time...
